A friend of mine, Luke, was getting married. I wanted to tell him to stop.
Luke and I were both in grad school when we became good friends. We both were in our early thirties. I was already married and had a little son. Luke was alone.
Then Luke met Allurez, a new grad student from Bangladesh. It was crazy, really. Allurez told her professor that she was lonely. The professor said, “Hey, Luke is also lonely and single. Why don’t you two meet?” And so they met. Soon they started dating, and soon they were engaged. I wanted to tell Luke not to do it.
At Super Big and Famous University (SBFU), we graduate students had our own working area called the “bullpen,” where our cubicles were located. Most days it was just me. When you are the only person using a big space most of the time, your perception of the space heightens, and you can tell who else is there. A small change becomes profound and impossible to ignore. I was like that after 3 years of being the lone occupant of the bullpen. So sometimes when Allurez showed up, I would know, while she might or might not be aware that I too was there. And she was terrible.
She was frustrated by every little thing that came her way. She screamed the “F-word” nonstop. She showed disdain for other people and what they had to offer. She burped frequently and very loudly. And the perfume she wore was overwhelming. I wanted to tell Luke to stop.
I took friendship seriously and would like to let my friend know if he was pursuing a flawed woman. This would be, like Mr. Darcy to Mr. Bingley in Pride and Prejudice, my service as a friend. Being a married man myself, I was well aware of how devastating it would be to marry the wrong person. Quite possibly the worst misfortune in a man’s life. If I were any good as a friend at all, I would tell Luke. I would let him know. Don’t do it, Luke! She’s awful!
But was that the right thing to do? Luke had always been single, and at this point he felt quite lonely. Luke was the kind of man who was kind and nice and a good friend, while at the same time someone women would find unmanly and uninteresting. He was now quite happy with Allurez. His eyes were beaming with joy and hope. The two might be very compatible and meant for each other. Who was I to sabotage Luke’s happiness, and possibly his only chance of building his own family?
I did not know which was worse: not preventing my friend from making a disastrous life decision, or actively denying him a chance at a lifetime of happiness. Which action would be a greater disservice? A greater betrayal of our friendship?
I chose inaction, and wished their marriage well. Very soon after the wedding, they had a son. Luke was never happier.
A year later, Allurez had her green card. She left them. Luke and his son carried on with their life together, trying to find joy in each other’s company. Looking at the little boy’s bright face, I still did not know what I should have done.
