The naive English user

Language is one of the most important things for anyone, and also one of the hardest. That’s what I came up with after along time fighting with it.
Before I came to Petra, I had already been trying to pronounce like an American. I kept listen to what they said then try to say exactly the same way. After a period of time, I got better, and I supposed my speaking skill was closer to American than any other Vietnamese I had ever met.
Then I came to the US, to Petra. Not many people could understand what I said, and I had to face the fact that my voice was really different than what I heard from myself. Despite the previous useless effort, I got to do things over again. The extremely intense year in Petra did improve my English, not only my speaking but also my writing and listening skills faster than I could ever get. And so, I came back to Vietnam in joy and gladness.
However, when we stop we are left behind. The following months in college were busy, yet in different way than before. Believing that I got my proper English, I focused on other things. Then Bozeman once again showed me that thought was wrong, totally wrong. The more happiness I had when I became the best student in my public speaking class, the greater disappointment I got when I saw my real English level. The climax was the moment when Holden told me that my English was just the same, and I even lost some gestures which I used to have. It was a much more powerful strike to me than any physical punch I could possibly take. I once again had to face the fact that my English turned worse only.
Therefore, I have to try again – exactly the way I did to survive in Petra. This time it’s only me myself, fighting to survive through the text books to any other kind of junk I can get. The next time I return, I will surely get better, though the improvement may be too small for you to see. I will get better.

He is gone

So it is it. That guy broke up with you, didn’t he? “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” You said.
The predicted thing comes at last. The guy who got you is now gone.
But love can’t ever be transferred from one person to another like a shirt, and the sadness of jealousy can’t ever be removed by someone else’s unhappiness. I didn’t feel any better when I knew your story. I instead felt so sorry, so sad for you. That love was a really sweet one, though it wasn’t mine. He was a sweet guy, a good man and a caring mate. He laughed a lot, and it made your beautifully sad face turn out to be happier. And he cared for you, kept giving you surprises and even shouted your name out loud in the rain. How sweet, how romantic he was! For the whole time, I was hurt, really hurt. But I was thankful also. He was there with you when I wasn’t. He did the things that I could not.
So now he is gone. Why he did that, I have no clue. Your story doesn’t have me in it, and it won’t, ever. You are not RainY anymore, and now turn out to be a princess of bubble. You are so annoying, Orchid. So annoying and so innocent. I won’t step in your way anymore, but stay behind and watch your back. Whatever happens, whoever leaves you, is ok. There will always be a me who cares for you. Even when my love for you isn’t here anymore, it is my promise that will never be forgotten.
Boku ga mamoru – I will protect you…

A.R.K.

Make yourself an ark of gopher wood. Make rooms in the ark, and cover it inside and out with pitch. – Genesis 6:14 (ESV)
Since I have been reading books, mangas, and watching movies a lot these days, my worldview did increase and get changed dramatically. The annoying thing was: because of that, the Truth became confusing and my Faith came out to be faded a bit.
The more I thought about it, the more amazing it was- that I watched the movie “Evan Almighty”.
The movie was about a man named Evan Baxter. In the night he became a new congress man, he prayed to God, that He would help him to “change the world”. The surprising thing was that God did come to him, and told him to build “an ark”. To follow God’s Word, Evan had to give up his politic career and many things else…
It was just a funny movie, but there shouldn’t be a lot of Christian movies may surpass it. I was stunned with all the ideas conveyed in it.
I admire Evan so much. He decided to pray God in the first place, and he prayed sincerely. Immediately I felt the big shame of myself. Though I have been praying everyday, none of them could be that sincere, and were all covered with the cloud of selfishness. But that’s not all there is to it.
The man Evan, originally was a really clean person. (He shaves his nose-hair every day!). But since he followed God’s Word, he started giving up his manner, and became a hairy guy with shepherd’s outfit. Accept his work building the ark, everything else just messed up completely around him. Immediately I understood that was how “taking a cross” was! At the same time I realized though he sunk among all kinds of troubles and sufferings, it was Love that was given to him by Lord, and he was joyful.
The Faith was portrayed in a really simple but amazingly clear way. Whenever someone asked Evan: “What are you doing?”, he looked at them straightly and said: “I am building an ark.” Then people would ask him: “Why? What’d happen?” He would calmly reply: “The flood is coming.” Just look at his eyes at that time, we can see what the real Faith is, and how a faithful Christian is. Maybe he didn’t know, but his replies, just exactly as what God told him, were the most correct answers any human may get. It is the Wisdom that Lord gave his followers.
All the conflicts combined together at last, and caused the climax. Everything happened just as God’s Word. It is that how we receive or understand it. “The flood” did come, unpredictably through the collapsed dam, and though it wasn’t a real “flood”, it was huge enough to destroy anything. At that very moment, I thought that all the stupid people, who had been gathering around Evan just to mock and laugh at him, would be all gone with the water. But no, actually none of them died! They were all saved by the ark – all of them. It is Lord that forgave them, as well as us, the people who have been fighting and refusing Him at any single step. The answer of Evan, “He choose all of us.” was indeed true. And I was just an evil human, no thing to compare with His Grace.
How can we change the world? The answer was provided: “to build an Ark”, for ARK is any Act of Random Kindness.
The new Thanksgiving is coming. Thank you, O Lord, for all of your Giving and Forgiving also. Amen.

Related topic(s):
Dark and Cold
"You Want to See Miracles?"

Being Melted

Last week was a really hard time for me. It was the only time I had left, before the next semester gets started, which means, it was the only chance for me to prepare for my popping performance. It was pretty much clueless, since I gave up my previous music, and had to make up a brand new one. And I had to make a whole choreography also, despite the fact that I just started my popping career last summer.

Anyway, it invaded continuously my reading and writing time, which is inconsiderable. So I decided to fix it, by writing something about my trip to Montana last Christmas.

Well, as Mama Sukut said, I could only bring “a bag” to Bozeman, so the trip seemed not really fun for me in the beginning. But it was really good to see Mama Sukut and Paige again. The van was full of stuff for sure, but I still could – somehow – get in it, and the trip began.

The trip was long for sure, since we came from Missouri to Montana. (It means we had to go through about five other states – five big one – to get to Bozeman!). However, the trip wasn’t too boring. Instead, I got a really surprising night: I saw shooting stars! It was the first time I saw shooting star ever, and there wasn’t only few of them! Shooting stars appeared rapidly all over the sky. Paige tried making wishes, soon gave up after the third one. (That was good actually, because she was driving, and I don’t really appreciate if the driver just keeps wishing with their eyes closed.) I stayed awake for the whole night counting those stars. There were twenty something at least – really fun to watch.

After about twenty hours, we got home at 3 a.m. Everyone was sleeping in a new house. The house was really huge and nice. My little cute Holdie boy woke up, saw me, said “early” and continued to sleep. No offence but let’s think about this: The only two graduates came back to Petra from college were Juniper and me. When she came back to Petra, the whole school was standing outside waiting for her. When they saw her, they shouted and ran to her, gave her a big group-hug. Compare that with mine; mine was pretty lame, wasn’t it? Nah, never mind. I am simply just a black sheep. :)

My love to Montana was in Bozeman, in Lewistown, and a bit in Helena. This time I came back, there were sad news about Lewistown: Great grandma Vic and uncle Kevil had passed away. Yeah, I know I am just a stranger with out any bond, I did feel deeply sad. I missed the voice of great grandma, and even the smiles of uncle Kevin. Too much for a Christmas, and the loss was big enough for anyone to cry. “Men don’t cry”, but only in the surface.

Anyway, we got a good time there together. Mama Sukut looked younger than last year. Everyone suffers a lot in Petra, doesn’t he? Mr. Brian was nice and fun still

My little cute Holdie boy had grown up a bit, still young enough to accept me, and to hang out with me well.

Chelsea was still as sweet and caring as ever. But she disappeared a lot, and I hardly saw her around.

Paige stayed home since Christmas, and I had a chance to know her better. She wasn’t too scary as I had thought. It was fun to talk with her.

Shadiah got taller (and bigger) a lot. She turned out to be a real girl in no time, still so cute and energetic.

And Titus was fine. It was good to see him again, and even better to be in “Titus night” every Tuesday.

It’s not ok if I don’t mention Ramington. Oh Ram, we are the only “unsukut” Sukuts, aren’t we? That’s why there are sympathy and caring in our bond. And you didn’t bark when you see me, right? Still remember me? Still don’t forget your companion?

Not only the family, Petra and the church were nice also. I was really glad when I saw “Malakie”, Mr. Baker’s new version. He was really energetic and friendly. He got his father’s smile also. Smile always, Malakie. You have no idea how important and valuable it is.

Mr. Koenen’s family was fine still. Tjabe was much bigger and taller and became more and more like his father. You don’t just be a fine Mr. Koenen, Tjabe. You even inherit your mother’s gentleness.

I really appreciate when I saw children grow up, but children only, not girls! Oh dear, all of the girls got taller too quickly, and made me feel bad for myself a lot. T_T You know what, Galadriel (I mean, uh, Rochelle)? You should stop being taller right now!

I was glad to meet my friends again. Richard, Kimberlee, Mark, Conner… it was really good to see you again. We had good times killing the Ring together. Memorable, weren’t they?

There was a new teacher who replaced Mr. Baker spot this year – Mr. Myers (hopefully I spell correctly.) He was a really interesting person who can get along easily with anyone. I enjoyed his classes a lot.

Ms. Amunrud was fun as usual (!), and her class was still kool. It recalled a lot of memories back...

Mr. V refused me to observe his class! Argh!!! Just kidding. He was more depressed and stressed than before. I wish you would be happier somehow, mister!

Oh yeah! There was a new girl in Pendragon named Madison. She was a pretty girl who kept making me surprised by her talents. I was so proud when I knew there was another person who could replace my spot. Great to know you, Madison.

…

Only when I have a chance to be in different places, I can recognize the differences, and the real values which I couldn’t see before. Oh Montana, the cold and dry place which covered by snow and ice! Since I put my love in the ice, I realized that whenever I stop I would be left behind. And the place, though so freezing, still melted me down by the warmth of gentleness.

Thank you all!

Niềm tự hào Việt ?!

Từ khi mới sinh ra, không biết bao nhiêu lần người ta rót vào tai nhau:
“Chúng ta thật tự hào là người Việt Nam!”“Yeah, chúng ta là người Việt Nam, yeah!”“Yeah! Tự hào! Yeah!”…
Thế là bản thân cũng phải có lúc tự hỏi mình: tại sao lại tự hào vậy?
Tôi không tự hào mình là “con rồng” hay “cháu tiên” rồi. Tôi hẳn nhiên là con người.
Vậy thì vì cái gì nhỉ? Vì sự thông minh ư? Điều này nghe rất có lý. Bao nhiêu người Việt Nam xa xưa nghĩ ra rất nhiều kế rất hay. Những “Trạng Lường” Lương Thế Vinh, những Trần Hưng Đạo hay Cao Thắng, Trần Đại Nghĩa thì quả thật không thể không nể trọng. Và ngày nay, bao nhiêu du học sinh Việt Nam du học đã đạt thành tích cao, đứng đầu lớp và đầu khối. (Về điều này thì tôi không hề nói tốt gì về mình. Tôi luôn thua kém xa các bạn Việt Nam xung quanh về thành tích.) Vậy là người Việt Nam thông minh sao? Đúng.
Nhưng đó có phải là điều để chúng ta tự hào không? Tôi luôn tin rằng sự thông minh phải đi kèm với sự khôn ngoan thì mới đáng tự hào được. Sự thông minh hiện nay của chúng ta, lại chính là đầu mối của sự lắt léo, lách luật, đâm ra bao nạn tiêu cực như tham nhũng, hay ngay cả vi phạm bản quyền. Điều này khá là trầm trọng ảnh hưởng tới tư cách người Việt Nam. Khi đến 1 nơi nào đó, nếu có ai hỏi tôi về tác phẩm văn học đôc đáo nhất của Việt Nam, có khi tôi lại buột miệng mà nói là “Truyện Kiều”, để rồi ngơ người nhớ lại là câu truyện thơ cải biên từ 1 tác phẩm Trung Quốc. Chúng ta có thừa sự thông minh, nhưng đó chưa phải là yếu tố cho chúng ta tự hào là người Việt Nam.
Vậy là thứ gì chứ? Việt Nam chúng ta hay nhìn vào lịch sử mà tự hào. Tôi nhìn vào lịch sử và thấy toàn bộ là những cuộc đấu tranh bảo vệ đất nước. Tự hào không? Nhiều người sẽ nói “có!” ngay. Nhưng là tự hào về gì chứ? Về khả năng “phòng thủ tuyệt đối” chắc? cái này thôi thì cũng gọi là có tự hào, nhưng quá ít, hơi quá nhảm cho cả 1 dân tộc để ngóng vào. Người Việt không thể đi ra đường, ưỡn ngực trước thiên hạ vì “tôi không sợ ai úynh hết!” rồi. Như thế thì chẳng khác nào tụi đầu đường xó chợ. Chúng ta không như thế!
Lòng yêu nước vậy? Chính vì có lòng yêu nước thì chúng ta mới có thể đẩy lùi bao giặc ngoại xâm như thế, không phải sao? Không sai, nhưng chưa phải là đúng. Hiện đất nước đang hòa bình- không bị ai tấn công- thì cái tôi thấy là bao điều tiêu cực trong xã hội. Lớp thanh niên thì chắng có bao người thật sự đang cố gắng. Phần lớn sẽ đang làm “những chuyện khác”. Ví dụ điển hình là nhiều các công ty game lớn thế giới đã và đang luôn tiến về thị trường Việt Nam, nơi mà tỉ lệ phần trăm người chơi game (cả on/offline) khó có nước nào chọi nổi. Lướt trên đường sẽ thấy người người chơi game, nhà nhà chơi game, cần mẫn đêm ngày cho công cuộc giải cứu thế giới…khác. (Nói cái này thì cũng là có tôi trong đó, khi khối lượng thời gian cho game của tôi cũng không ít). Tình trạng này tạo nên 1 đất nước mà người lớn làm điều không phải, và lớp kế tiếp thì đơn thuần không quan tâm. Và thế là tôi nhìn thấy lòng yêu nước của chúng ta chỉ trồi lên khi có ai tấn công, và chìm luôn khi không còn ai úynh. Lòng yêu nước như thế, tuy có nhưng chưa đủ.
Tôi cứ tiếp tục đi tìm niềm tự hào của dân tôc, thậm chí tôi ngó tới cả lĩnh vực thời trang hay …âm nhạc, nhưng đều thấy “không phải, đều “chưa đủ”.
Rồi tình cờ tôi biết đến 1 người đàn anh Việt Nam, Bùi Tường Phong. Sẽ không có ai trong các bạn, người đang đọc những dòng tôi viết, biết đến ông. Trong cuộc dời ngắn ngủi của ông (1942-1975), ông đã đi vào lịch sử nhân loại, khi ông là người góp phần rất lớn trong quá trình phát triển đồ họa máy tính, nhất là 3D! Với Phong shading, chất lượng và độ phân giải của ảnh phản chiếu (specular reflections) cải thiện đáng kể so với các phương pháp khác như Gouraud shading, flat shading. Một người Việt Nam như chúng ta, thầm lặng lao động, để rồi thành quả đạt được của ông, giúp ích cho cả thế giới. Đáng buồn thay, người ông được tôn vinh như vị anh hùng, được nhắc đến trong sách vở đại học, và người nhớ đến ông lại là những người ở đâu khác. Với chúng ta, 3D chỉ là “Thiên Long bát bộ” hay “Cửu long tranh bá”…
Tôi biết đến ông, và bất chợt nhận ra niềm tự hào dân tộc. Cũng hiểu ra rằng những điều thiêng liêng như thế đâu thể nói bằng lời. Tâm hồn khi chạm đúng tầng suất sẽ rung lên để cảm nhận.
Niền tự hào dân tộc, dù nghe hoa hòe thế, lại không phải để chưng, mà phải để phục vụ cho dân tộc! Bác Hồ đã nói rằng: “Nước Việt Nam có trở nên tươi đẹp hay không, dân tộc Việt Nam có bước tới đài vinh quang sánh vai cùng các cường quốc năm châu được hay không, đó là nhờ phần lớn ở công học tập của các cháu.” Bác nói đúng quá! Và ai cũng thấy vậy. Nhưng tiếc là ít ai chịu nghe vậy hết! Lời của Bác nói cách đây cả mấy chục năm, nói với thế hệ nào đó trước thế hệ tôi rất xa. Nhưng rồi cái duy nhất truyền nhau không phải hành động mà chỉ là lời của Bác. Một thế hệ dõng dạc tuyên bố “…là nhờ công học tập của các em!” rồi hết, xong luôn bổn phận. Thế hệ tiếp nhận lời nói đó lại “truyền” cho đàn em “là nhờ công…của các em!” .Cứ “của các em” mãi mà chẳng thấy “của tôi” đâu cả. Đùn đẩy nhau thì chẳng ai sẽ cố gắng.
Đã là lúc mọi thứ phải thay đổi. Vận mệnh đất nước là bổn phận của chính chúng ta!
- Do you proud that you are Vietnamese?
- I do! We have Vietnamese powers, and we are fighting for the pride of the country.