Chuyện Tôi Thời Trẻ (P. 1) - Chuyện Anh Phụng

Dạo này tự nhiên tôi nhớ về thời học cấp Hai.

Lúc tôi học lớp 7 hay 8 gi đó, anh Phụng* (tên nhân vật đã được thay đổi) là thầy dạy kèm môn Toán cho tôi. Ảnh cũng còn trẻ, là sinh viên khoảng 20, 21 tuổi, nên chúng tôi cũng dễ thân nhau. Ngoài giờ học, ảnh và tôi hay ra tiệm game. (Thời đó “tiệm game” và “tiệm net” còn khác nhau. Mấy tiệm chơi game dùng mạng LAN chứ không có internet, còn mấy tiệm net thì không có game.) Anh Phụng là người bày cho tôi trò Civilization III mà lúc đó đối với tôi là rất đặc sắc. Tôi đã nghĩ rằng nếu ai chơi giỏi trò này chắc chắn sau này sẽ làm… nguyên thủ quốc gia vĩ đại(!). Giờ nhớ lại, đó là khoảng thời gian của những buổi chiều dài và nắng, anh Phụng và tôi vừa chơi game vừa ăn mì trứng chiên do cô giúp việc nấu cảm thấy cuộc đời vui lắm.

Là con trai thì nên có một người anh để noi theo. Tôi không có anh nên tôi coi anh Phụng như anh mình. Ảnh giỏi Toán và giỏi chơi game đã đành, nhưng ảnh còn chia sẻ với tôi về nhiều thứ khác nữa, như chuyện ca hát hay dở hoặc về những cô bạn gái của ảnh. Giờ nghĩ lại tôi thấy tôi bị ảnh hưởng từ anh Phụng cũng nhiều thứ, từ cách nhìn nhận cuộc sống đến thói quen hay nói “hổng dzui!” của ảnh.

Anh Phụng dạy tôi được vài tháng thì tự nhiên ba tôi cho ảnh nghỉ. Đột ngột quá nên ảnh thấy buồn còn tôi thì thấy choáng. Một thời gian sau, anh Phụng có đến nhà tôi chơi, tôi vừa vui mừng vừa ngạc nhiên không biết nói gì; ảnh thấy tôi có vẻ lạnh nhạt không vui nên đi về. Tôi mới lớp 7, lớp 8 mà, đâu biết gì, dạ anh về thì về. Địa chỉ nhà trọ ảnh đã rời đi; số điện thoại anh cho cũng là của bạn ở trọ cùng nên tôi không có cách nào liên lạc được. Nhà tôi dặn cô giúp việc thật kĩ là nếu anh Phụng tới thì phải hỏi số điện thoại của ảnh liền. Ảnh tới thiệt, mà tới lúc cả nhà tôi đi vắng, nên ảnh để quà lại rồi về. Còn cô giúp việc chắc là thấy ảnh nên xúc động quá đâm ra quên không hỏi số điện thoại. Thế là thôi thua. Mất đi một người bạn tốt thì buồn lắm. Mất bạn mà lỗi do mình lạnh nhạt thì càng buồn hơn.

15 năm sau (là bây giờ nè), một ngày tôi nằm trên giường gác tay lên trán nghĩ ngợi lung tung, tự nhiên nhớ về anh Phụng. Ngẫm nghĩ thêm một lúc nữa thì nhớ ra cả họ tên của ảnh. Long Hổ Phụng. Cái tên lạ thế này chắc ít người có, nên có khi search trên Facebook lại ra được không chừng. Mà tìm người trên Facebook thật ra không có dễ, vì người Việt Nam mình nhiều khi không để tên thật mà để Son Goku hay Triển Chiêu gì đó, hoặc không thì để hình con heo con mèo chứ không để hình mình.

May sao Thượng Đế cho phép, anh Phụng để tên thật và để hình cái mặt của ảnh. Cũng hên là tôi còn nhớ mang máng mặt ảnh ra sao và ảnh sau bao nhiêu năm cũng không thay đổi mấy (chỉ hơi mập ra tí). Không biết ảnh sẽ nghĩ gì khi tôi tự nhiên ở đâu ra xuất hiện. Thế là tôi viết:

- Chào anh Phụng. Anh biết em là ai không? : D

Sky Light

Like snowfolks, I walk in the ice
In the search of something someone took
Awestrucking – is you, when I look
Panically, I epiphanically realize:

This is you, the blue sky of lust
The nectar-like goodness of the light
To be desperate, to yearn, to thirst
Gorgeous, perfected, alright.

Stay with me, this is all I need!
For we need love to live, to die
So stay with me! This is all I need!
…Though you’d be gone like graceful deeds.

The winds shall take you away it hurts
Somewhere to live and pretend
And there’s still that bump in my heart
For I love you in the end.

Mận Hoa

Mảnh tình xưa
Ta đưa người có giữ
Tại lòng ta còn bao điều tư lự
Để bao lâu
Chẳng may tự dư thừa?

Ngộ nhận:
Là cây mận ngoài sân không hoa không quả.
Số phận:
Là tự ta hay tự Trời ban ra?

Vậy là,
Ngày Mai đến mang ước mơ ta đi qua những dãy phố xa len lỏi
Ta bước đi, rời khỏi.
Hạnh Phúc ơi, hay em tự chơi vơi?

Buông lơi
Vứt lại tấm lòng ta nơi gốc mận sau nhà
Biết đâu mận đương nhiên lại ra hoa?...

Thiên Duyên

Bình minh vươn dậy vạn nắng kiều nhi
Để lòng ta lại ngày thưa mưa hồng
Rồi mai thiên hạ còn ai hoài kỉ?
Chắc người đi khỏi đời ta đi cùng…!

Ngắn gọn vô duyên thành ra hoàn hảo
Gần nhau giây lát đành đâu dỗi hờn
Phước hạnh vì nhau vùi sâu hiền đạo
Trời thưa mưa tạnh biết người ban ơn.

Thẫn thờ chơi vơi vì duyên tiền định
Thuyền quyên vi mệnh đoái hoài thiên thu
Chén rượu sầu cay, đời say, ta tỉnh
Vô vọng, vô thường, hết mực ngao du.

…

Chân thành ước vọng: tìm đâu đưa đến?
Hoàng hôn lắng đọng, ngày tan thẫn thờ!
Từng trang khép lại, ta cố tình quên
Rồi khi đêm lạnh lại vô tình nhớ.

Nobody

I am no longer the same.

I no longer write I don’t know why. I keep them in my head and afraid to share. When I put down some words they no longer seem connected. I remember how I could just pour out my feelings and thoughts onto a piece of paper and feel relieved. Is it some kind of brain muscle that I have deteriorated?  It certainly makes me feel mentally constipated.

Or is it because I have become more heartless? I would read about some disaster here and there and wouldn’t think much. Maybe I have reached that age of desensitization: to know just enough to accept the unacceptable as norms. I try to write a poem: it sounds as interesting as some ear wax. Who in the world is going to read that?

Without anything more entertaining to offer, here I am bullpooping for no inherent purposes. Because I miss my readers, and I miss that one time when I could be so much more passionate and interesting.

“I’m Nobody! Who are you?
Are you – Nobody – too?” - E.D.

Going to College Sucks!

(a picture of myself in my dorm room. Taken in my Freshman year, 2007)

College sucks! I wish that no one ever went to college ever.

There was VSO – the Vietnamese Student Organization that I helped created. The people who shared the same first language, my brethren. They always tried to gather and spend good time to fill the holes caused by the away-from-home emptiness. And I hardly joined. Now I wish I had.

There was that girl I met in my Micro Economics class – the one class that I felt I was a super genius who waltzed through the materials while the rest of the class struggled. When we were about done with the class, I finally had gathered enough courage and told her that she looked extremely pretty and good luck on the final. She told me it was very nice of me, and that she was about to transfer to another school far away.

There was a group of International students from South Korea one of which was my roommate. They were so nice they inspired me to learn Korean so that one day I could visit Korea and impress them with my fluency. But it was 4 years ago, and I don’t know how many more years will I be able to do that, and if I can, will anyone in South Korea still care or be excited?

And there was the South Todd people, and the CCH group too. I was always busy trying to take maximum amount of classes and some part-time jobs and finishing up college quickly that I never hung out with them. I graduated in 3.5 years, and already I spent 4 years afterwards in regrets.

The day I graduated, I walked away with a bunch of people that I would miss for the rest of my life that otherwise I would never have known. The feeling kills me for days and months and years that I become a dark-skin emo. What’s up with all of this – meeting many people who would walk away from my life for good: what’s the purpose? Is it so that I could learn to become a better person and be hurt?

I look though the pictures taken with some friends and they make me want to cry. I want to go on Facebook and talk to them, asking them how they are doing and that I miss them so very much. But I cannot. Who still remembers me and wants to talk? What are we gonna say beyond “How have you been?” and “I am well”? And more importantly, what’s the point of doing all this to then simply stop and lose it once again?

How cruel of humanity to come up with such thing as college. How foolish of me to go to graduate school to start that all over again (and get hurt all over).

You know what’s so nice about my Christian faith? It allows me to hope for a possibility of eternal gathering, that I can be with everyone forever.

My Dale Carnegie Adventure - Pt.01: The Orientation

The company I am working for has a tradition of sending its employees to Dale Carnegie Training courses.  At almost everyone’s desk there is some sort of diploma or recognition from Dale Carnegie hanging at the front it’s crazy.

Dale Carnegie is a program that helps improving your social skills such as public speaking, doing things outside your comfort zone, managing stress, and maintaining a positive attitude. (Dale Carnegie himself was graduated from the same college I attended so hey! : )

So it happened that I got enrolled to the program and I will have to attend the three-and-a-half-hour class for the next 6 weeks or so. And I have decided to write about this as a new series for this blog. My current lifestyle has been preventing me to update this blog regularly and I am trying to fix that. Dale Carnegie is a popular program, so sharing my experience while taking it may benefit many other people.

The “Interesting” Orientation

Last week was the orientation and we had the opportunity to see each other for the very first time. The group that my company sends this time includes two very high-ranked members and I (oops!). The class is a small group of around 20 people, all Caucasians except me (for genuine observation without any racism on my part : D), and everyone seem to be older than me. There is a middle-aged lady sitting by herself at the front row who thinks she is really smart and tries very hard to show that. (Ah! I hope my perception of her would change toward the end of the course!) The instructor is nice and friendly but I wonder if he hates me now: when I arrived 5 minutes early, the class was already started so at the end of the class I asked him if we should come to class 15 minutes early next time. The way he responded has something to do with his watch and mine not agreeing. Yeah, I was already showing an “annoying Asian guy” on the first day – what a great start.

How to Effectively Receive Dale Carnegie Awards

There are two people in my company, Pepsi and Coke (and yeah, I changed their names). They were in the same group of people attending DCP and Pepsi received the highest DC award along with a bunch of other stuff whereas Coke didn’t get squat. The problem is both Pepsi and Coke work closely with me in the company, and I know that Pepsi is not a good public speaker or is he strong with any other social skill. His work attitude is not the best and he still has a lot to work on to be effective at work. Coke, on the other hand, is a charismatic, energetic kind of guy who is an eloquent speaker. Heck, he is an ordained minister who sometimes would imitate Joel Osteen for us to watch (and he would do a really great job!).

So why in the world would Pepsi gets recognized and awarded while Coke isn’t? The answer is simple: the awards go to the one who shows that he/she has tried the hardest or has improved the most. This makes sense in the way I don’t really appreciate. It implies that the students’ pre-existing abilities are irrelevant, that any effort a person makes prior to the course is not to be accounted for at all. You are not gonna be rewarded if you have been learning to improve yourself for a long period of time before taking the course. It’s like an art class in which the first place goes to the one who didn’t know how to draw but now can draw an apple instead of the one who could paint a perfect orchard and now is getting slightly better at digital color compositions.

What I Should Do for the Class

Of course I wasn’t the only one with the “Coke vs. Pepsi” observation. The two bosses/classmates of mine are planning to deliberately appear so “pathetic” in the beginning, maybe with tears if necessary, in order to maximize their “progresses” to others. I have to say that it is a really tempting option but maybe I shouldn't go with that. This is gonna be a large amount of time I will invest in, and I should learn what I can to improve myself to become for effective at work and in Life. After all, I am not one of the big bosses yet. : )

So here is my goal for this journey: to try the best I can to present myself and to learn from others; to impress everyone from the very beginning and not holding back as if I am in America’s Got Talent; to appreciate every moment being in the program; and to make some new good friends if possible.

I am looking forward to what is happening, and will try to share this experience with you as meaningfully and truthfully as I can, and I hope you too will enjoy reading it. Thank you very much!