Saturday, May 1, 2010

A lone dancer

I came to Christian Campus House again this time. I did not know how many times I had come here. Since when? Was it last year? Was it last semester? Or was it that I came in some unconscious mode that, of course, I would not be aware of. I came to CCH to see God.

It has long gone the day that I could enjoy this place. Now all of the people there, I do not know them nor they know me. I know their names, even some of their backgrounds. I thought that I knew them, exactly the way they thought about me. But in the end I am just a misfit. How many years have I been here? Four years long. Too long for any person to adapt with the place and the people. I didn’t. The winter is just as cold as the first year I came, even colder. And the people, the Americans, I was smart enough to be friendly and outgoing with them; and now I am smart enough to realize that we are simply different. My English is still not perfect, and my American knowledge is nowhere near a typical American’s. I still do not have a car to hang out with them, or money to go eat whenever they suggest. After so many days and months trying to adapt, only my heart has grown weary.
Yet I feel thankful to come here to have a chance to know God. The two summers that I came back to Vietnam show me how hard it is to keep my faith in such an unsupportive environment. I am here to grow my faith in Him. It has become the only reason why I still go to CCH. Knowing not the people, and even the songs are now strange and not appealing, I merely sit there on the chair, trying to get closer to God through many strangers around me and all the unstopping noises. I am isolated from the rest of the community by the sole nature of human being.
Those people, I am not like them at all. They have been Christians since birth, and because of that, their community is not for a young Christian like me. Their concerns, their discussions, and their problems are not mine and not what I am looking for. I do not belong to them. And since my girlfriend is already not with me on this, realizing my isolation from all the fellow Christians around me makes me feel desperate. This is the world of only me seeking God by myself, the world that I dance at a corner of my room without a partner.
I am a lone dancer.

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